How to Be a Good Listener Without Making It About You

Listening is more than hearing words—it’s about creating space for someone else’s truth. Yet even with the best intentions, many of us fall into a common trap: we respond by sharing our own experience, hoping to relate or comfort, but unintentionally shift the spotlight. The result? The speaker feels unheard, and the moment of connection is lost.

Here’s how to be a truly good listener—one who offers presence, not performance.

1. Be Present, Not Prepared

Good listening starts with presence, not planning your reply. When someone opens up, resist the urge to mentally draft your response. Instead:

• Focus on their tone, body language, and emotional cues.

• Let their words land fully before you even think about yours.

• Practice “mental stillness”—a quiet mind that’s receptive, not reactive.

2. Don’t Hijack the Conversation

It’s natural to want to relate. You hear someone’s story and think, “That happened to me too!” But jumping in with your own experience can unintentionally:

• Shift the emotional focus away from them.

• Make the speaker feel like they’re competing for attention.

• Turn a moment of vulnerability into a comparison contest.

Instead of saying, “That reminds me of when I…” try:

• “That sounds really tough. How are you feeling about it now?”

• “I’m here with you. Tell me more.”

3. Reflect, Don’t Redirect

Empathetic listening means reflecting back what you hear—not redirecting it toward yourself. Use phrases like:

• “It sounds like you’re feeling…”

• “What I’m hearing is…”

• “That must have been really hard.”

These responses validate the speaker’s experience and keep the focus where it belongs—on them.

4. Know When to Share (and When Not To)

There is a time for sharing your own story—but it should be intentional and invited. Ask yourself:

• Is this helpful or just habitual?

• Am I offering insight, or seeking attention?

• Did they ask for advice, or just need to be heard?

If you do share, keep it brief and bring it back to them:

“I’ve been through something similar, but I’d love to hear more about what this is like for you.”

5. Listening Is an Act of Generosity

At its core, listening is about generosity. It’s the gift of your attention, your silence, and your willingness to hold space without needing to fill it. When you listen without inserting yourself, you say:

“Your story matters. You matter.”

And that’s what makes someone feel truly heard.

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I hope this is helpful but please let me know if you have any questions or thoughts.

Sincerely Yours,
Jay

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