The Healing Fantasy Helps Cope with Trauma in Childhood

A "healing fantasy" is a psychological concept, popularized by clinical psychologist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, that refers to an unconscious belief or persistent hope that someone (often a parent or a significant figure from our past) will eventually change, recognize their past failings, and provide the love, validation, or emotional connection we always needed but never received.

It's a coping mechanism developed in childhood, especially when growing up with emotionally immature or unavailable caregivers. In this fantasy, the child imagines a scenario where, "If only I were smarter/prettier/more obedient," or "If only they realized how much I needed them," then they would finally receive the desired affection, attention, or apology.

This fantasy provides a sense of hope and allows the child to adapt and survive in difficult emotional environments. It's a way for the young self to make sense of unmet needs and maintain a connection, however tenuous, to their primary caregivers.

Why do we need to let it go?

While healing fantasies serve a protective function in childhood, they become detrimental in adulthood because they:

1. Keep us stuck in the past: We remain tethered to an idealized, often unrealistic, vision of what could have been or should be. This prevents us from fully engaging with our present reality and building healthy relationships based on what is.
2. Perpetuate disappointment: Continuously seeking a change from someone who is emotionally incapable or unwilling to provide it leads to repeated cycles of frustration, hurt, and disappointment. The fantasy sets us up for failure because the other person is unlikely to fulfill a role they are not equipped for.
3. Hinder personal growth and agency: By holding onto the hope that someone else will "fix" us or heal our past wounds, we delay taking responsibility for our own emotional well-being. We give away our power, waiting for an external source to provide what we need.
4. Impact current relationships: We might unconsciously project these fantasies onto current partners, friends, or even bosses, expecting them to fulfill the roles of our original caregivers. This can lead to unrealistic expectations, codependency, and an inability to appreciate healthy relationships for what they are.
5. Prevent true grief and acceptance: Letting go of the healing fantasy means grieving the loss of the parent or relationship we wished we had. This is a painful but necessary step for healing. Until we mourn the reality of what was, we can't fully accept it and move forward.
6. Maintain unhealthy patterns: The "role-self" that often develops alongside a healing fantasy (where we adapt our behavior to try and elicit the desired response) can continue into adulthood, causing us to engage in people-pleasing, self-sacrificing, or other maladaptive behaviors.

In essence, letting go of a healing fantasy is about accepting the reality of the past, acknowledging that the desired outcome may never materialize, and shifting focus from what others should provide to what we can cultivate for ourselves. It's a powerful act of self-liberation that allows for genuine healing, realistic expectations, and the building of truly fulfilling relationships.

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I hope this is helpful but please let me know if you have any questions or thoughts.

Sincerely Yours,
Jay

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