Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer

In psychology, the terms "externalizer" and "internalizer" refer to contrasting ways individuals attribute the causes of events and their own emotional responses. Understanding these orientations can shed light on our behaviors, relationships, and overall well-being.

Externalizers vs. Internalizers: A Fundamental Divide

Externalizers tend to attribute the causes of events and their own experiences to external factors. When something goes wrong, an externalizer might say, "It's not my fault, the circumstances were against me," or "They made me feel this way." Their focus is often on what others do, what society dictates, or what fate has handed them. While this can sometimes be a protective mechanism against self-blame, a strong external locus of control can lead to a sense of powerlessness, a reluctance to take responsibility, and difficulty initiating change.

Internalizers, on the other hand, attribute the causes of events and their emotional responses to internal factors. They are more likely to say, "I could have done things differently," or "My reaction is my own." Internalizers often believe they have a significant degree of control over their lives and their emotional states. While this can foster a sense of agency and personal responsibility, an excessive internal locus of control can sometimes lead to excessive self-blame, perfectionism, and difficulty forgiving themselves or others.

The Journey from Externalizer to Internalizer: Embracing Agency

For an externalizer, learning to become more internalized is a journey toward greater personal agency and self-efficacy. It involves shifting from a mindset of being a victim of circumstance to becoming an active participant in one's life. This transformation is not about denying the influence of external factors, but rather about recognizing and maximizing one's capacity to respond to and shape those factors.

Here's how an externalizer can cultivate a more internalized perspective:

• Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly ask questions like, "What was my role in this situation?" or "How did my choices contribute to this outcome?" This helps to identify personal contributions rather than solely focusing on external forces.
• Identify Controllables vs. Uncontrollables: Distinguish between what you can and cannot control. While you can't control the weather, you can control how you prepare for it or how you react to its impact. Focusing energy on the controllable aspects of life is empowering.
• Take Responsibility, Not Blame: Shift from "It's their fault" to "I take responsibility for my part in this." This isn't about self-blame, but about acknowledging one's agency and the ability to choose a different path next time.
• Develop Problem-Solving Skills: Instead of dwelling on external obstacles, focus on developing strategies to overcome them. This fosters a sense of effectiveness and competence.
• Set Achievable Goals: Small successes build confidence and reinforce the idea that one's actions have an impact.
• Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Many externalizers hold beliefs that they are powerless or that their efforts don't matter. Identifying and challenging these beliefs is crucial for fostering an internal locus of control.
• Seek Feedback (and Process it Constructively): Instead of immediately deflecting criticism, an externalizer can learn to receive feedback as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

Why is this beneficial? Becoming more internalized empowers individuals to:

• Take greater control of their lives: They feel less like pawns and more like players.
• Experience increased self-esteem and confidence: Successes are attributed to their own efforts, leading to a sense of accomplishment.
• Improve problem-solving abilities: They actively seek solutions rather than passively waiting for external changes.
• Develop stronger resilience: Setbacks are viewed as opportunities for learning rather than insurmountable obstacles.
• Foster healthier relationships: Taking responsibility for one's actions and emotions leads to more mature and balanced interactions.

Internalizers and Externalizers: Fostering Compassion and Understanding

Navigating relationships when one person is an internalizer and the other an externalizer can present unique challenges. The internalizer might feel frustrated by the externalizer's perceived lack of responsibility, while the externalizer might feel judged or misunderstood by the internalizer's emphasis on personal accountability.

Here's how an internalizer can cope with an externalizer and foster compassion:

• Recognize the Underlying Needs: Often, an externalizer's blaming or deflection is a defense mechanism. It might stem from fear of failure, insecurity, or a deeply ingrained pattern of coping. Understanding this can shift the internalizer from judgment to empathy.
• Avoid Lecturing or "Fixing": Telling an externalizer to "just take responsibility" is rarely effective. Instead, focus on validating their feelings while gently guiding them toward solutions. For example, "I hear you're frustrated with X, and it sounds like a tough situation. What do you think might be one small step you could take to address it?"
• Focus on Shared Goals, Not Blame: When a problem arises, instead of focusing on who is to blame, shift the conversation to finding a solution together. "Okay, so this happened. How can we move forward?"
• Model Responsible Behavior: Internalizers can lead by example. By consistently taking responsibility for their own actions and reactions, they subtly demonstrate the benefits of an internal locus of control without being preachy.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: While compassion is important, internalizers should also protect their own well-being. This might mean gently disengaging from conversations that are solely focused on external blame or limiting their emotional investment in situations where the externalizer is unwilling to take any personal agency.
• Practice Active Listening: Really hear what the externalizer is saying, even if you disagree with their attribution. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard.
• Offer Support, Not Solutions (Initially): Instead of immediately jumping to solutions, offer emotional support first. "That sounds really tough. I can understand why you'd feel that way." Once they feel heard, they might be more open to considering their own role.
• Acknowledge External Realities: While encouraging internal locus of control, it's also important to acknowledge that external factors do play a role in life. "Yes, the traffic was terrible, and that definitely made things harder. What else could we have done to prepare for a situation like that?"

In essence, understanding the dynamics of externalizing and internalizing allows for greater self-awareness and more effective interactions with others. While externalizers can benefit greatly from cultivating a stronger internal locus of control, internalizers can foster deeper connections and greater compassion by recognizing the underlying human needs that often drive an externalized perspective. It's a journey of growth, both individually and relationally.

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I hope this is helpful but please let me know if you have any questions or thoughts.

Sincerely Yours,
Jay

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